Every day, I strive to be the kind of parent who can adjust with the ever-changing developmental needs of my children with agility and grace; never trying to hold my children back for my benefit, never trying to compel them to accomplishments and destinations they never wanted to reach, nor push them to be someone they aren’t. I want to be the kind of parent who has faith and trust in her children, listens carefully, belly laughs, fiercely advocates, curiously learns about their interests and needs, and teaches compassionately. They are wonderfully complete, interesting and beautiful humans on their own, without my meddling. And being around them is my favorite.
I make plenty of parental mis-steps and certainly have plenty of regrets about time I’ve squandered away with excuses of busy-ness, work or chores that feel important at the moment.
This being said, I’m far from perfect. I make plenty of parental mis-steps and certainly have plenty of regrets about time I’ve squandered away with excuses of busy-ness, work or chores that feel important at the moment. My partner and I are dedicated to both work and to maintaining a loving and available presence in the lives of our children. Balance is always hard because work and life demands so much. Producing Screen Cares alone takes a great deal of time and energy, and then on top of that, the needs of my family, friends and other work just pile on top. We evaluate how we spend our time, ensuring that the obligations we face are real and not just imagined. We’ve innovated and created efficiency, killing two obligation birds with one adeptly aimed double-duty stone. Each kid has about 8,000,302 interests, and we’re lucky to live in an area that offers at least that many avenues for fun. So, we’ve fought the activity-temptation and pared down our must-do list as best as possible, yet it often feels like we’re just one activity away from disconnection.
It’s not time’s fault if we run out of it, if we abandon it, let it dominate us, or distract us. It’s ours. And if the problem is ours, so is the solution.
It's hard to compete with a life that moves at high speed, work that requires detail-orientation in high definition and an inner critic that operates at high volume. I hate to contribute to the over-referencing of Harry Chapin’s song, “Cat’s in the Cradle,” in conversations of parental guilt but his lines, “when you coming home, Dad/I don’t know when, but we’ll get together then,” seemed to provide both a warning and an answer to my struggle. Time doesn’t duplicate itself, offer instructions for its usage or alert in warning to its dwindling capacity. We have to work with time and to do so thoughtfully and intelligently. It’s not time’s fault if we run out of it, if we abandon it, let it dominate us, or distract us. It’s ours. And if the problem is ours, so is the solution.
A little more than four years ago, my family created our weekly tradition of Family Movie Night. And it has been one of the most happy and valuable solutions to our trouble with finding quality time. After a busy week, in which each member has separate agendas, goals, and schedules, Family Movie Night is our time to come together with the goal of connection and curiosity. We protect this time equally, kid and parent alike. While originally started as a parent-driven weekly event, it is no longer so. Both my elementary-aged and high school-aged children excitedly initiate conversation about it throughout the week and equally make sure that nothing disrupts it.
Friday Movie Night is a time to set aside the responsibilities we have to bosses, clients, patients, teachers and family and to focus on the responsibility we all have towards each other. Every part of the event is a family affair-- we chat about the movie choices throughout the week, we discuss what kinds of snacks or pre-movie dinner we'll have, we cuddle up and enjoy the movie together and then linger in the living room and talk. It's a time that on its own, creates additional avenues for connection.
As a family, we’ve created rules for our Family Movie Night:
- Consistent, Weekly Scheduled Time: Family Movie Night is held on a consistent schedule that each member can count on. This is both a tradition and commitment to one another.
- Equitable Opportunity to Choose Movie: The Movie Selector baton is passed in a predictable and equitable weekly pattern: Big Kid, Mom, Bigger Kid, then Dad. If a guest stays in our home and is available, we invite them to participate and they get the honorary title of “Movie Selector.”
- No Repeats: We started this rule a few years ago to challenge ourselves to try new movies and genres that are not from our previously watched lists. A movie cannot be chosen if anyone in the family has previously seen it. There are so many films out there that it’s exciting to watch a movie that is new to everyone in the family. This rule is my favorite as it has expanded our movie-viewing repertoire as a family.
- Predictable Standards: When it’s your turn to pick the movie, you can pick anything! In our home, movies rated PG-13 and over have to be cleared by a parent for appropriate content/representation/themes. We’ve rarely had to enact our parental veto power.
- Cell Phone Free Zone: No cell phone or other distractions during the movie. Devices are not visible on tables—they are put completely away and off.
- Create a Supportive and Conversational Environment: Be supportive of the Movie Selector’s choice—even if it’s not your favorite genre, or a movie you would have chosen. No heckling of the Movie Selector if their choice ends up being a dud, or if their choice was something you just didn’t want to see.
I love that this is our weekly family tradition. Not just because I love movies, but because every week, I get a little sneak-peek into what each family member is interested in, or the things they’re thinking about or grappling with. Sometimes intense feelings are hard to cold-introduce, but when one member chooses a movie about dying, we can discuss fears of mortality, grief, and loss. It’s also a more comfortable way to talk about anxieties surrounding death; instead of “I’m afraid that you’ll die, or that I’ll die,” we can talk about how the character was afraid that their loved one would die, or they would die.
We also reflect on our own opinions on the values and actions that are displayed on the screen—When (if ever) is vengeance justified, as in revenge movies like John Wick? How would it feel to be a Black female mathematician, like the incredible trio as depicted in Hidden Figures? What would you do if your friend was being attacked and accused of bad things, like in the film Nimona?
Movies are a great entry-point for meaningful discussions, especially in a setting where the rules, expectations of conduct and format are predictable.
Getting to have real conversations with my children and partner creates a level of intimacy and trust that is connection-strengthening. When you’re moving a mile a second in a busy week, it often feels like deeper kinds of conversations are harder to make room for. Movies are a great entry-point for meaningful discussions, especially in a setting where the rules, expectations of conduct and format are predictable. We talk less about the form of the movie and more about how the stories and characters make us feel. And then, we talk about how we feel. And that matters. If you've found that like me, that time slips by when we let it, then try out a Family Movie Night this week. Enjoy the time together, device-free, and heart-full.
